Friday, August 08, 2008

My B.O. is like the Borg

I sweat a lot. I wear some sort of bandana thing under my helmet. Otherwise I'd be crying on every ride above 70 degrees from sweat drenching my eyes.
Now where my sweatiness really becomes a problem, is under my armpits. As some of you may know, but don't readily admit in front of me, I get funky. Not the good kind of James Brown funky(RIP), but the bad kind of "I need to back away from this person" kind. Only a few of my really good friends have felt comfortable enough to tell me, "Jeez Mike, you stink." This usually happened during really long drives in a car where there was no escape.

I think I was the first kid in grade school to develop "body odors." I distinctly (HA!) remember a time in 5th grade where the teacher talked solemnly to us about growing up and how we "change." Little had I known, but I guess some of my fellow classmates told our teacher that I was stinky. So she very fairly told all of us that we need to talk to our parents about body odor. So that was the beginning for me.

I started off by using the strongest stuff available since I eventually figured out that not many others smelled as bad as me. On to the Extra strength antiperspirant deodorant. This stuff instantly made me smell like, well, whatever fragrance was labeled. Shower Mist, Cool Rain, Morning Dewdrops, etc were some of my choices of masking agent. At first, everything was fine. Eventually though, the bacteria under my pits "assimilated" the product I was using and within an hour of application, I was funky again. So I switched to the ever growing brands available. I had good luck with Old Spice for a while. Month or 2 later, YOU HAVE BEEN ASSIMILATED. Then I figured out that the too strong antiperspirant was possibly making my Borglike funk bacteria into superspores. They could handle anything I threw at them since they had beaten down the best.

This led me to switch to non-antiperspirant deodorant. At first it was difficult. I had to go into hiding and/or not exert myself at all. The hot and humid summers here in Nebraska were always a death sentence for me. But then the super mega B.O. lost a worthy adversary, so it got weaker. I also switched to the wonderful smelling - hippie made Tom's Natural of Maine Woodspice deodorant. I loved the non-fake smell of Woodspice since it made me smell like trees instead of Jr. High.

Alas, my armpit bacteria assimilated the hippie goodness of this new product also. So, I thought about going a completely different route. I used Gold Bond's Extra strength Triple Action Medicated powder. Whew! This stuff did the trick. I put it on before my commute into work, and even though it was a balmy 70 degrees with high humidity, my armpits remained under Gold Bonds control. I HAD DEFEATED THE B.O.rg!!

That is until recently. Now, like before, I apply the good smelly stuff, and within an hour or 2, I'm back to bad smelly again. I may try to switch to non-extra strength to see if I can weaken the B.O.rg's stranglehold on my "pit's of despair," but I'm not holding my breath. Others will just have to hold their nose.

Shabbos ride anyone?


Biker Bob said...

What's more strange than this post, is that I read the whole thing. ;-)

I'll be AWOL on the Shabbos this week. My parents have the kids Friday night and Saturday morning, so Keli and I are going to be out late and then sleeping in. Sunday AM I'm going to try to be at Tranquility Park at 6:30am to do some laps on dirt. I figure I should ride dirt at least once before the race on the 16th.

BTW... sometimes the food you eat will have a big affect on what your B.O. smells like and how strong.

Smell ya later,

munsoned said...

What?!? Eating entire raw onions might adversely affect my social life? I think it's also genetic, because my little bro has the exact same problem. It's our stinky Swedish blood.

I need to get out on the trails also. I think I may also do that race just for the hay of it. I'll be in the single speed category. Should be fun.

fredcube said...

No, Munson. You have it all wrong. Yes, your B.O. is a horrid thing. But we usually "get dropped" by you because of your flatulence.

munsoned said...

GASP! Fred, no one's supposed to know the secret of my FO2 boosters. I dispatch my enemies (and sometimes my friends on accident) by tapping into my inner-most demons to release a mighty wind of anger/fury/beans-of-burrio. All who cross me feel (smell) the wrath of my fire and brimstone crop dusting!

Peter said...

Mike, you're a smelly dude. I didn't get BO until maybe two years ago. As Morrissey once said, "Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others". That's just how it works. However, I sweat a lot too. I couldn't ride my bike to work without every joint on my body getting soaked. The powder has the power. Gold Bond knows how to put funk back in line.

Hmm, Woodspice. Sounds pretty good to me. Might hafta check that out now that I have armpit hair and girls look at me.

But...Mike... You know how Fat Bastard said that everyone likes the smell of their own brand? Please assure me that's not true.

munsoned said...

Peter, the "brand" all depends on the diet. Fiber, beans, and mellow food creates a pleasant waft to wallow in. Eggs and broccoli means I'm running away from myself.

brady said...

Hey Smells like Teen Spirit: you eat so much synthetic crap that you're probably growing polyester armpit hair. That's what holding all of the bacteria. And as everyone knows, you can never get the stinky out of poly.

So let's see: 1) You have a lady's seat, 2) you already shave your legs and now you have the perfect excuse to shave your pits.

Hello, evil Ms. Munson!

johnny said...

crane 630-700 would be good for me. I know the racers are all out.

johnny said...

So how about the Shabbos+1? Time and place. Ragbrai got me a good week of training. As for sweat I too sweat alot ride faster it will evaporate.